Lage Raho Manohar Bhai

On 24th, we met the Ayurveda doctor, Dr.Gadgil in Bangalore for a review. He seems generally happy with my milk-drinking. And said, "if you are able to drink 2 litres of milk, it means things are okay.." As simple as that.

He gave some more medicines. Some more leaves and herbs. "If you feel hungry, you can drink more milk. You can go upto 3 litres, 4 litres... no problems."

So, in general, the advice was 'Lage Raho Manohar Bhai' ... Carry on Manoharan, that is.

Hb crosses double digit mark!!

All kinds of figures are followed very closely in the world today on a daily basis. Inflation rate, food inflation rate, unemployment rate, rupee vs dollar rate and what not. The graphs go up and down, tumble down giving investors sleepless nights, sky-rocketing (along with the blood pressure of comman man) etc.

But, Manoharan and his family is keeping close tab on another figure. The Hb (Haemoglobin) count. During chemotherapy days, it went as low as 5.8 needing emergency blood transfusion etc. So, last month, when the CMC doctor very wisely decided to stop chemotherapy, he just mentioned to keep tab on the Hb count.

Then, started the ayurveda treatment. In Gudalur, we have tested thrice during the last one month and each time the the Hb count has moved by 0.2 points or so. The latest figure received from the lab yesterday says, my Hb count is 10 now!

The popular interpretation is that the body is doing quite okay, since the Hb is by itself increasing slowly - even with just milk as the diet. So, I should be becoming better.

Will confirm after meeting the ayurveda doctor once again on 24th for an assessment.

Busy ... Busy ... Busy ...

The gap in blogging during the last 2 weeks was, ironically, more to do with me becoming slightly better healthwise! Friends like Satya have written, "You write a blog post soon. Or, I will call you from Brazil!!", or something to that effect. (Such threats are much better and soothing than, "if you write another blog post, I will call the Police.." etc.!!)

OK, to quickly keep everone updated. The milk diet is agreeing with me. I am generally drinking the mandatory 2 Litres of milk every day. If 6 months ago, someone had said that I will be drinking milk, only milk and nothing but milk for my survival, I would have laughed my head off. But, incredibly that is what is happening. As soon as I finish the last gulp and keep the glass down, Durga will keep another one filled!!

I have not become a milk expert yet. That is, by drinking the milk, I won't be able to make out if the cow was happy today or had a tiff with her colleague; or, if the cow had green grass or cowfeed pellets etc. I am sure, intelligent chaps will be able to make out all these by drinking that day's milk. May be, by the time the treatment ends, I should be able to cultivate some of these skills. At least to be able to say if the cow had a proper sleep the previous night or not. Let us keep the horns crossed!

And, I could do a lot of 'official' work too during this period. Almost back to normal, though sitting at home. My favourite programming stuff on javascript and database applications has been keeping me busy and I am much ahead of the deadlines I had set for myself. In a hurry too. Will meet the ayurveda doctor this month end to know the progress on the liver front.

And, had some long-lost friends visiting us at Gudalur. As there are no side-effects of medication lingering and I am able to punish these friends with my jokes, it has been a good time. And, we laughed a lot during the last 2 weeks than the prevous three months...

So, To Satya, and other millions of fans who are worried by my silence, I am fine.

Omana's theory of Oncology

Omana, our tribal woman health animator, asked her husband K.T.Subramanian : "How did he get the cancer?"

KTS, of course, said, "I don't know and the doctors also didn't say anything about it"

"No, he does not have any bad habits. No smoking, no alcohol or tobacco or other bad food habits. So, how come he got cancer?"

"Sorry, I don't know !"

"I know", she said confidently. "He has been working on his computer always. From the time I have known him. Few years of working like this is surely like to affect. What with all kinds of viruses they keep talking about infecting the computers etc.! I am sure, his computer addiction only would have caused his cancer."

She may have a point?

Milky Galaxy

No, no, don't worry, it is not a scientific blog post. (All I know about astronomy can be written on the back of a postal stamp, as they say!). Yet, my galaxy is full of milk during the last one week.

Yes, I am on to milk diet. I repeat, ONLY-milk diet. That is, I drink only liquid milk of a cow. Not only the morning and evening tea time has been changed to milk time, I drink milk for my breakfast, lunch and dinner - not to mention the numerous times I used to eat home-made items.

So, if you are hungry, drink milk. If you are bored, drink milk. If you want to think, drink milk. If you just want to pass some time, drink milk. I have successfully managed one week of this. Just another 5 months and 3 weeks to go!

OK, the logic of only-milk diet in treatment of cancer in ayurveda is like this. All cells in our body die. So, cancer cells also die. So, instead of eliminating the cancer cells with very harmful things like chemo drugs, it is better to work on the new cells that are created in the body. Having uncontaminated diet will help in this process greatly and fresh cow's milk - sorry, cow's fresh milk - will be an ideal rejuvenating food for this process. I agree, but the important thing is the cancer cells should agree. Which we will know only after 6 months. I am very positive; so, let us see.

The doctor insisted on getting a proper country cow, because he blames the hybridization of food as the sole reason for the increasing incident of cancer. It makes sense. Anyway, I am not averse to cow milk and in fact, love cows. So, no problems.

But, the doctor said one interesting thing : "My patients initially resist this idea of only-milk diet. They are even willing to go through all the trauma of chemotherapy, leaving them very difficult to eat any kind of food; but, they think only-milk is too difficult !! I am surprised, but I am convinced of this method based on my work during the last 20 odd years".

So, here is to my favourite cows and their milk ! Hurrah !

 

Unequal growth

I was telling a friend, "the problem is there is unequal growth. One section is growing beyond what is healthy, while the other is going down and becoming weaker..."

Unfortunately, at that time, a left-leaning activist was passing by and he overheard what I said, I think. He started rattling, "Yes, that is the biggest problem facing the world today. While rich are becoming richer, the poor are becoming poorer. This unequal growth is causing the divide bigger and bigger. This will end only in a bloody revolution, you wait..."

"Oh, I am sorry, I was just talking about my body. See my legs and belly are growing and so big, making me very uncomfortable. But, the rest of the body is losing weight and becoming thin. I wasn't talking about global economic issues, merely about my physical condition..." He left very disappointed, giving a nasty look at this irresponsible soul - probably thinking 'such people fuel such inequality'!!

Anyway, back to my body. The legs have really become larger. The stomach of course has remained so for more than 4 months now. I wonder how much the skin can stretch. When people suddenly become obese or lose weight, what happens to their skin? Never thought of this before.

If the albumin content in the body improves, this extra fluid will be absorbed by the blood itself, I am told till now. Dr.Mahesh has prescribed an ayurveda medicine, which I am taking from this morning. Within a week, some progress is promised.

Keep my toes crossed !!

Chemotherapy Stopped!

First of all, my apologies for not writing for the last one week and keeping everyone guessing. Many of you had called directly to get the news. This is for the 'larger audience'!

The D-day on 14th November went unexpected actually. In my mind, I had composed two different sets of blog posts - titled 'Good news' and 'Bad news'! But, after seeing the investigation results, the doctor gave us a mixed bag.

"The good news is that you have not deteriorated much. But, the bad news is that the three cycles of chemotherapy do not seem to have resulted in any appreciable reduction in the liver or the cancer cells. So, to be honest, I would recommend not to continue Chemotherapy, as you had severe side effects last time. In fact, during the last few weeks, without the drugs, you seem to have developed appetite, eating well and gaining strength a little. So, it is better we wait for another month or so without the chemo therapy and see how progress, OK?"

What does it mean? Is he suggesting that no point in continuing the treatment and better wait for the inevitable? But, Dr.Regi and Dr.Deva, who were with us (both allopathy doctors) tend to read it differently. "This opens up the way for us to pursue the wonderful opportunities in alternative medicine - especially Ayurveda. Let us go full-steam on Ayurveda now. Since we have tried the 3 cycles, we won't feel that we didn't try allopathy treatment!"

Anyway, the silver lining for me was that no more chemo drugs! We returned that day itself back to Gudalur.

During the last one week, I have started taking Ayurveda medicines - which is not at all difficult and no side effects. Will update about the progress from time to time.

Chemo had dramatic moments giving me lot of ideas for interesting blog posts. Ayurveda in its typical fashion will not be so. But, still will remember to share important learnings through these posts.

whisper ... whisper ... Ears are the most immune?

There is one part of my body which has not been affected by the chemo drugs till now. Touch wood, it is the ear!

Even the nose had a nose block and it affected the eyes briefly; the eyes have been mildly watering whenever I sit in front of the computer. Mouth and legs and hair and all that, of course all of you know, have been battered to a good level.

But, my hearing ability remained intact throughout. The FM radio has been a great support. Having been restricted to home, radio - mostly Tamil, Malayalam and Hindi songs - was almost always playing the whole day. So, enjoying it thoroughly.

So, all music lovers, don't worry if you were diagnosed with cancer. You will be able to continue to listen to music inspite of all treatment!!

Surviving Cancer

Surviving cancer is one thing; but surviving the cancer treatment is another.

There has been a break from the chemo drugs for the last 15 days and my mouth ulcers are totally gone. So, able to eat ... err, drink things. Though I tried a dosa after a very long time this morning, diet has been mostly in liquid form. If I go to a hotel now, you can see me ordering '1 glass of chapati', then 'two glasses of idli' and of course, a glass of milk without sugar. As this will put the India Coffee House friends in discomfort, didn't go to hotel at all !!

Though the side effects have kind-of-stopped, the taste buds are still dormant. Someone said, it will take a solid 2 months after stopping all medication before you can distinguish between sambar and rasam. Alas, I cannot wait that much.

Tomorrow morning, we are going to Vellore for an evaluation. CT SCAN, X-ray and meet the doctor on Monday with the results. He will let us know if there is some progress in my treatment and continue with the remaining 3 cycles. Or, abandon therapy!! Though I am feeling okay and there is no pain, my stomach is still like Aishwarya Rai Bachan's heavily pregnant abdomen.

Anyway, we will know the result on Monday. So, 14th is the D-day. Will keep you all informed next week from Vellore.

Doctors are actually Engineers!

Till recently, I used to think that Doctors and Engineers are two totally different species in the animal kingdom. But, of late, I realised that doctors are actually engineers, after all!

My knowledge about both these professions in my younger days was next to nothing. When I finished my 1st year engineering, I got admission in a medical college - delayed response due to some court case. Do you know how I decided whether to continue engineering or join the medical course ? I listed the positives and negatives of both the streams.

Engineering
 +ve : Only 3 more years to finish the course
-ve   :  There are no girls in the college

Medical
+ve : There will be girls in the classroom
-ve  : Another 5 and a half years to study!

Finally, I decided to continue engineering. See how 'deep' was my understanding and such an 'informed' decision I took!! Anyway, no regrets for that decision.

In 1995, when I came to Gudalur, got to know about the doctors, hospitals, medical profession from close quarters. Not only about just doctors, but about the various specialties and their roles etc. But, even then, I had not realised how much engineering they knew.

It was only when I had this cancer detected in my stomach/liver that I saw Dr.Nanda Kumar more as a Chemical Engineer than the usual surgeon. He talked more about the chemicals, the bio-chemistry inside the organs, which chemical causes the side-effects and the effect of the chemo drugs etc. Most of the clinical practice revolves around chemical composition of the body system, it looks.

Orthopaedicians, of course, are straightaway mechanical engineers. Neurologists are electrical engineers - nothing we can understand! Conversely, if you are good at all these 3 streams of engineering, then you can try your luck with medicines too!

அன்றும் இன்றும்

Sorry, this can be only a Tamil Post. Difficult to translate !!
அந்தக்காலத்தில் பெண்ணைக் காதலித்து கல்யாணம் செய்வதற்கு பெண்ணின் பெற்றோர்களின் சம்மதமும், விருப்பமும் மிக முக்கியமாக இருந்தது. பெற்றோர்களைக் கவர எடுத்துக்கொள்ளும் முயற்சிகள் பெண்ணைக்கவரும் முயற்சிகளுக்கு சமமாகவே இருக்கும் என்றே சொல்லலாம். "பலே பாண்டியா" படத்தில் தேவிகாவைக் காதலிக்கும் சிவாஜி, அவரது தந்தையான M.R.ராதாவின் மனதைக் கவருவதற்காக ஒரு கர்நாடக சங்கீதப் பாடலைப் பாடும் ஒரு அற்புதமான நகைச்சுவைக் காட்சி உண்டு. அதில் எப்படியெல்லாம் தன் மாமாவைப் புகழுகிறார் பாருங்கள்...
"நீயே உனக்கு என்றும் நிகரானவன்
அந்தி நிழல் போல் குழல் வளர்த்த தாயாகி நின்றவன் (என்ன அருமையான உவமை!)
வாய் வேதம், கை நீதி, விழி அன்பு, மொழி கருணை
வடிவாகி முடிவற்ற முதலான இறைவா !"
இப்படிச் சொல்லி விட்டு, முத்தாய்ப்பாக
"துதிபாடும் கூட்டம் உன்னை நெருங்காதய்யா
வெறும் தூபத்தில் உன் இதயம் மயங்காதய்யா"
என்றும் பெரிய ஒரு ஐஸ் வேறு வைக்கிறார்.
கேட்ட ராதா மயங்கி, உடனே 'நீ தான் மாப்பிள்ளை' என்று சொல்லும் நிலைக்கு வந்து விடுகிறார்.
ஆனால் இன்றோ? பையன் நேரடியாக பெண்ணிடம் மட்டும் தான் பேசுகிறான் - அவளுக்கு விருப்பம் இல்லாவிட்டாலும். மேலும் அவளது பெற்றோரைக் கவரும் முயற்சியை விடுங்கள், அவர்கள் மீது துளி மரியாதையும் இல்லை. அடிக்காத குறையாக இருந்தது இதுவரை. இப்போது அதுவும் சீக்கிரமே நடக்கும் என்று நினைக்கிறேன். மிகவும் பாப்புலரான இந்நப் புதிய பாடலைப் பாருங்கள் -
"எவன்டி உன்னைப் பெத்தான்?
என் கைல கிடைச்சா செத்தான்!"
பெண்ணின் அப்பாக்கள் ஜாக்கிரதை!!

Yay ... Yay ... I brushed !!

After almost a week, the mouth is better today and I could have a proper cleaning of my mouth with toothbrush. How good it feels to be able to brush!!

As I was feeling better and have energy to walk around, I thought of considering the invitation of the Force India to compete in the first ever Indian Grand Prix!! ahem..ahem...

But, then The Hindu warned in their first page yesterday that the temperature goes up to 55 degrees, drivers lose about 4-5 kg of weight after every grand prix and they are heavily dehydrated!

As I am sure to win, the only problem is that I won't materialise finally in the podium!! So, ditched it!

(But, frankly, for environmental reasons, racing of cars should be banned, isn't it, instead of rejoicing that India got its Grand Prix?)

Diwali fireworks in my mouth

The last one week has been the most painful (literally) week of my life - till now, that is :-)

Due to the Chemo effect, the WBC count seemed to drop even more drastically than the global economic melt down. So, with no policeman to control, even petty thieves were acting big!! Normal dry skin in the lips was trying to threaten me, imagine!!

But, after Madhan, my saviour in Gudalur Adivasi Hospital gave 300 ml of perfectly matched A+ blood, there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel this morning.I showed their place to the lips already, the tongue and the throat are slowly getting around to it ...

I drank 3 glasses of something today and hope, will be back to "normal" by tomorrow.

Judgement delivered - VTV is the best!

I think, I have made up by mind. Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya is the best of A.R.Rahman's albums. I waited for more than 6 months before making up my mind, but tonight, I think the decision is made!!

Minsara Kanavu, Kandukondain..., Taal were very good too. But, VTV is absolutely out of the world and divine music. Kerala, backwaters, melody, pathos and church bells...! Simply superb....

Hostile Gatekeepers

At the India-Pakistan Wagah border, we have two of the most hostile gatekeepers that you can find anywhere. Till recently, I used to think they are probably the most hostile gatekeepers that you can find in the world!

But, the chemo drugs introduced me to another set of gatekeepers who are, in fact, more hostile than these two poor souls. The mouth ulcer and the throat ulcer! Together they are such a potent force that it has been very difficult to beat them! During the 2nd half of both the second and third chemo cycles, I had them appearing from nowhere in my body. As it is, the taste buds were not working and everything was tasting the same. Now, the throat ulcer was constantly secreting a salty water whenever I try to eat something, it was an effective way of saying NO to food!
So, I tried to cajole them and used the liquid route. For the last one month or so, the diet has become only liquid. When both the gatekeepers were looking the other side, I tried to send milk and juice and soya milk and water inside the system. By mistake, once or twice I tried venturing into solid food, but immediately our gatekeepers shut shop! Once they looked a bit lenient, it looked like the food went inside; but, I didn't account for another more powerful fellow inside called Nausea - who very brutally pushed the food outside! "You won't listen to those two chaps, eh?" Disgraceful...
But, what to do with the tablets? They are solid. If it was a little bigger, it would have resembled our famous Kerala puttu or an elongated Idly! Somehow, I was sending them in, but tonight, the first tablet went inside and there was a big revolution in my food pipe, forcing me to abondon the second tablet. I guess, this is the end of my 3rd cycle of chemotherapay.
As of now, I guess, we have crossed half the well. We have to go to Vellore on 2nd for a CT Scan and meet the doctor on 4th. Let us see what is the result of these 3 cycles of chemotherapy!! Fingers crossed.

10 Ways to Know You are a Cancer Survivor

Bhanu sent this cute little list to find out easily if you are a cancer survivor. So, to cheer up others going through the ordeal, here it is !!

• Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
• Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
• You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
• When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says,"all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
• When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
• When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
• You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
• Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your cholesterol and you actually listen.
• When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
• When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass.

She also sent some jokes on doctors; but, let me wait till I finish the chemo treatment! Don't want to rub them in the wrong side as yet!!!

3rd cycle started

The 3rd cycle of my chemotherpay started. Went to Vellore on Sunday, met the doctor on Monday after a blood test. Thanks to the topping up done in Gudalur, I didn't have to have any blood transfusion in CMC. So, the doctor did not even admit me in the oncology ward and said that I could have my chemo IV infusion in the Day Care Centre.
First time, when I heard the name day care centre, I thought of a creche kind of thing - looking for a room with a yellow duck toy or a wooden horse and some colourful play things strewn all around! But, what I got was a small room where six chairs that remind one of a fancy saloon. Everyone sitting there with IV sets hanging over their head. It takes about 1 hour waiting and 2 hours of IV. Then, after 5 minutes of rest, you are out. Quite an efficient system.
So, by 12.30, my medication was over - no effects during the process. So, quickly we left Vellore by 2 pm. As we had to cross the Mudumalai sanctuary before 9 pm, we rushed back to Gudalur. We had two schumachers with us in Tarsh and Dilip, who reached us in record time of 7 hours from Vellore to Gudalur!
The steriod is still holding up, the hiccup minion is occasionally showing its presence, but no other side effects have started yet. Waiting till the week end to get a real picture.

Meanwhile, my latest photograph in the day care centre is given below - thanks to Nikhilesh.

This is just to show Sundar that I have not still become bald (mottai) - not yet!!

Feel like a SIM card

These days, I feel more like a SIM card than a human body - what with constant talk of 'topping up'.
When I heard the doctor saying, "Oh, you are traveling on Sunday and you will be roaming. So, we better top up", I handed my mobile phone to him, "yes, doctor". "No, No, what I meant is to top you up with more blood. You come to the hospital in the morning and we will transfuse one unit of it."
For the last one month, such conversations have become normal. As I will be roaming tomorrow, the charge probably will come down faster with all that travel etc., so better to boost it up a bit. Till now, 4 units of topping up has happened and more to follow!
Blood banks are quite advanced already. Even before the telecom sector came out with number portability etc., blood banks have done that. Any group is fine - exchange offer and you will get yours.
Fortunately, there aren't any festival offers and promotional schemes which may give new ideas to the doctors - "why don't you go for a top up today itself and then wait for the Diwali offer ?", he might say!
In the process, they are trying to neutralise myself with the blood of other sane people. Though Tarsh, Gopal, Shikha, Harsh and his friend gave the blood, what I finally got was that of James Raj, Joe Ezhil Chinnappan and one Nine Wangoli. Today, Udayan will join the illustrious group of people whose blood finds a place in my body - albeit temporarily!

2nd cycle of chemotherapy completed

Few days ago, the 2nd cycle got over. Actually, all the side effects that I was warned about seemed to decide almost the same time to have a go. So, from mouth ulcer to throat pain, from a confused state of diarrhoea / constipation to a nauseous sensation.... All happened during the last one week, and most of them do continue. As the WBC count was coming down, the doctor suggested to stop the tablets one day earlier! Bless him!!

This morning, some of the effects seem to wear off a little - so, feeling a bit okay. Have another five days ago, before the next cycle starts!! All the side effects are okay, but whether the actual main effect is happening??

This is just a matter of fact update - as long silence from my end is killing my fans!! For the last 3 days, the idea for the next blog post is brewing. So, wait for that - may be, in a day or two!

Meanwhile, Happy Dussehra to everyone!!

Preposterous...

Bala mentioned a very valid point.

If I discontinue Musings and move everything to the new Posterous service, it will mean that my favourite 'Musings' will become preposterous!!

So, taking his advice seriously, I am going to continue Musings also. In fact, if I post something in Posterous, they say it will become auto-posted in Blogger also. I will try this option also.

In short, you can just visit Musings also to get everything that I want to share through these blog posts...

Manoharan, the Monk

For the 2nd round of chemotherapy, when I got admitted in CMC, I realised that I had been elevated to the level of a Monk! As Sundar was keen to know if I have already become mottai, here is a photograph taken five days ago in Vellore by Stan.

First I thought, it was just a spelling mistake that they had written it as Monc. (Only later, when the chemo drugs wore off, did I realise that it was the short form of Medical Oncology, rather than any spiritual title!) Anyway, I thought it is a really good thing to classify all the cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy as Monks, as there are many similarities.

First and foremost is that their lack of interest in keeping any sort of shrubbery in their head and face etc. Though the photograph above shows me with some hair, I am losing them all in rapid pace and I am sure, next time when we meet you will agree that I am a qualified Monk as far as hair goes. (There is one persistent hair inside my right nostril which was bothering me for more than 20 years; I hope the chemo drugs will take care of that stubbon hair too). Bed after bed in the Monc ward was occupied by people with clean shaven heads - men, women and kids too.

Next is our total renunciation of food - even aversion to it. We just eat something to keep the body and soul together - often after getting shouted by the near and dear! Anita had enquired about the taste buds. All I can say is that I would eat anything cooked by Anita without any complaints now! There is only one taste in the world now and that is very close to chewing a denim cloth. Sometimes, the dosa may taste like a fine cotton, but otherwise, almost everything tastes like jeans or jute, depending on the texture.

But, there is one advantage. Someone suggested that fresh Aloe Vera juice is a very good nutritious drink, but it is bitter and tastes horribly! I said, 'ha! bring it in' and gulped it - without my tongue raising any objection whatsoever. So, if any of you want to feed me with any of your new experiments, this is the time. Rush in the supplies, please!

I am Young!

Yes, it is official! I am Young. The doctors pronounced it. Friends told. All and sundry, in fact...

In 2006 or so, when Sajan interacted with the Business world - financial sector, investment portfolio etc -, he gave me a shocking news! That he is old already to make a major career change. He was 30 years that time, I think. If he is old at 30, what was I at 40 then??!!

Then, we had the technology changes; people using emails were called old people - dinosaurs. According to that definition, only people in 17-25 age group were young and people over that are called Old. This impression was strengthened by the next generation of boys and girls visiting Gudalur- MSW students, new recruits in TST, visitors - everyone calling me Uncle!

But, then things changed dramatically during the last one month. The cancer diagnosis seems to have put a new perspective in everyone else's mind. First, the St.John's doctor told, 'you are young; so we can try this procedure'. Then, the oncologist in CMC said as much, 'in old people, it may be difficult; but, in your case, we can go ahead with this. As you are young, the body can cope with it' etc.
So, in all, the world seems to have voted unanimously that I am young after all!!

An over-enthusiastic Minion

All of you must be under the wrong impression that I am bravely fighting cancer, aptly described as the Emperor of all Maladies, in my stomcah/liver. No Sir. For the last three days, my fight is limited to an overenthusiastic minion called Diaphragm. He is hyperactive and getting on my nerves.

Like all clerks in government offices, he selectively interprets the rules and suddenly decides to strictly adhere by some of them. In their usual ways, they pick up routine, seemingly harmless blocks to make you uncomfortable and uncertain. This diaphragm has taken up the strategy of using the 'minor hiccup' (literally) to put things off gear - though slowly I realised hiccups are anything but minor!! Three things I am not able to do because of these hiccups is to sleep, to walk and to sit. As this pretty much sums all the activities that I am hoping to do here, he has been very successful in getting my whole, complete and undivided attention.

When we deal with IAS officers or any government official of reasonable repute, things look so fine and rosy, till you meet our over-enthusiasitic minion just outside. 'He will say all that, but finally, I only have to make sure that everything is in order'. Left unsaid is, "you can go wherever you want, but finally you have to come to me only!". My diaphragm has also been behaving like that. Jealously it has taken the responsibility of getting agitated and protecting all the internal organs; my job is to be cautious, not to break precedents and follow the rules.

Medicines from the oncologist didn't bribe him. 'Special favours' like hot milk and cold juice didn't encourage him to budge a bit. Fresh fruits, sugar under the tongue, pranayama and other breathing exercises did not entice him to leave the rule book even slightly. Nikhilesh in his usual scientific way remarked, after observing me for hours, "if you lie down 42 degrees to the east and suddenly turn to your left, the hiccups are increasing". He has not managed to find out angles and directions to decrease them, of course.

And, finally, in our usual pragmatic way, I am also getting used to live with this clerical minion. Take him as part of the system, don't confront, but don't pamper too; acknowledge that after all he is doing his job and somehow get going.

In all these busy handling of paper-pushing weasly measly hiccup causing minion, I have almost forgetten the cancer cells. In our life too, most of the time, we are handling the pujari and not really the God. Same here. Hopefully, the big emperor is being taken care of by the chemo drugs silently.

Manoharan, your output is LOW!!

Two days ago, I got this harshest criticism! As I try to be efficient and always want to do things as per deadline etc., this accusation that my output is low was rather disturbing.

She looked at the chart and gravely nodding her head, "just 150 ml of urine in one day, no, it is not done". You must buck up and improve your output! As soon as possible. Drink as much water as possible. But, output should be better.

In the usual NGO defence, I was about to argue, "what about quality? I may achieve the output in quantitative terms, but will the objective be fulfilled unless quality is assured. And, I don't believe in mere numbers"blah blah. Fortunately, controlled myself in the last minute, and just said, ók, will try.

So, after that, it is a free flow of water, milk and juices. And, each drop of output is measured and neatly recorded in a piece of paper. Morning 4 PM, 350 ml etc. Next week when I go to the Medical Oncology department, let me see if the nurse is satisfied or will again disapprove of poor outputs. If we go to Gudalur, drinking pots of water should not be a problem - much sweeter and pleasant. Shikha's slogan is "5 litres of water a day keeps the doctor away".

Slight change in plans

Wanted to talk to you all personally, but a common mail is what I could afford right now.

There seems to be a slight change in plans for my current life. During the last three to four days, things have taken a new turn and it looks like the doctors are unanimous that it is a cancer in the stomach/liver. Now, they will all discuss what to do next and what sort of treatment is required. CMC is an amazing place with everyday more than 20000 patients coming from all around the country to see the doctors here - actually, on their way to meet Lord Venkateswara in Tirupati or the Lord in Rameswaram. Their faith in the CMC doctors is as strong as on the other Lords, if not stronger. So, I also do believe them.

While it is sure that you are not going to see an old and infirm Manoharan (like our 'Indian thatha'), it is not clear what are the optimistic or pessimistic scenario etc. I will keep you all posted after the test results come tomorrow and we have a check up with the doctors day after tomorrow.

The support and goodwill and recommendations that pour in to the CMC team make me really humble.

Now, during the next week or so, I need to spend some time with my actual family and come to some sort of understanding / arrangement. My mother and sister are already lost, with everyone taking over everything about me. We need to be sensitive to this and I have to spend some time with them.

Being an unemotional objective-oriented moron, I am doing very well mentally and largely physically too. When all these reserves are run out, I will request your help. So, be ready that time. Till then, it will be great if you don't visit me personally either in Vellore or in Gudalur. I hope you understand. Will try to keep you all posted from time to time.

And, all the doctors have of course told to remain positive. The brain does wonderful things and it needs to continue to generate immunity. So, we will all stay positive and hope for the best.

New blog site

I have started another blog site. It is in a new web service called posterous.com. If you send mails to this account, it will automatically get published as a post.

Probably, more convenient. Have a look at http://durgamanoharan.posterous.com

Planning to write more serious stuff there - hopefully, more in Tamil.

Logic

I am becoming more and more fond of old people jokes!! Sign of old age catching up?


Some people (especially the wife) may disagree, but as you grow old, we also become more logical, I think...

Valentine's Day

There was a brief respite for all of you. Was busy with unimportant things in life, like work, office etc...

What better way to start than a post on the Valentine's Day. Though have a lot to write, I will just share a nice joke.

She : 'Tomorrow is the Valentines Day...'!
He : 'Yeah, I know ...'
She : 'Will you ... err ... give me a ring this V-day?'
He : 'Of course. But, in your mobile or in the landline ...?'

Men and Women live in different planets. So are boys and girls!